I recently received an email from Tracy that uncorked something deep inside of me.
As I’ve shared below in “From August to February” this season in life has been extraordinarily intense. I feel like I’ve been all the way from glory to a deep dark pit where the oxygen is limited. Writing has always been so cathartic, and yet I have put the proverbial pen down.
I have been grieving a loss and feeling guilty for grieving. What juxtaposition!
You see the Lord gave me a clear promise many years ago. I felt His call on my heart for ministry. It’s a fierce and unrelenting call. It took me many years to even let such a thing slip from my mouth as I felt it would be laughable, so I left it my secret and served the church with vigor passion. You see I’m good at “doing”! Eventually I met with my pastor and shared my heart; it took another five years just to have the nerve to announce it publicly.
“Why me, I am from the wrong side of the track with NO denominational couth? In fact I have no couth whatsoever. I laugh at crass jokes; I love leopard print and red lipstick, I’m loud and flashy. I audibly told the Lord, “Lord I will give up my sparkles and color for You”! He must have had a big smile on His face. Not because that is what He expected, but because of my vision of what it took to follow Him. A suit, flat shoes, bottle rim glasses, with large theologically savvy words fluidly spilling from a mouth, with no hint of red.
I see now He wasn’t calling me to change me, He was calling me to be who He made me to be while allowing Him to have the reigns in my life. He wanted to percolate my life with His healing, His Glory, His Spirit and His grace.
I “signed the dotted line” into full time ministry and as the pen left the paper, life turned upside down. Our church family came under a major attack. The battle lines were drawn and it was immediately apparent that I needed sufficient “oil in my lamp of readiness”! I was determined to stand and fight with everything I had. This was no little tug of war such as …”The music is too loud, or can we sing hymns” no, this was a full on affront to the Bride of Christ that took us to the gates of hell. It was violent quake of evil where the sulfur overtook our nostrils and the flames licked the hem or our garments!
When God is about to reposition your life Know that the devil will begin to attack!
As it turned out, it took a good part of ‘me’. Purging oft does. After a year and a half of battle I was spent. I questioned God. “Is this what I signed up for? Are you serious God? You tell us that YOU cause all things to work together for good, to those who love You and are the called according to Your purpose”? I did not quit. You see I’m good at “doing”! I buried the question in a corner of my heart and continued my classes and in ministry with even more gusto and made sure I had sufficient “oil in my lamp of readiness”.
Jump ahead a year or so and one class short of becoming an ordained minister. Our church is beginning to heal with a palpable heartbeat. Hope is returning. Within my grasp is the realization of what He put on my heart as a child.
A major shift/tragedy in our family… the “prize” slips out of my reach yet again. You see I’m good at “doing”, sitting still, not so much. It became evident that He was calling me to be still and the tears that were held up behind a dam in my heart, threatening to flood my soul in anguish, was released.
This is where my friend Tracy comes in. A random email with Psalm46:10 Be still and know that I am God! I am King over all.”
FATHER YOU ARE KING OVER THE FLOOD I WILL BE STILL AND KNOW AND KNOW YOU ARE GOD!
It only takes a moment reflection of His suffering to realize what we experience on this earth is but a drop of His blood that He shed for us.
God is big enough to hold us together, to be intimately acquainted with all the circumstances of our lives, he does not always change the circumstances but He does have a purpose thru those circumstances.
I will to be prepared for Christ's banquet and watchful enough to have sufficient oil in my lamp of readiness and will remain vigilant for Jesus Even if it means to be still!
Oh I have not forgotten the call; it beats wildly in my heart as it ever did, but my Jesus alone is the prize!
Still Words and Music by Reuben Morgan
Hide me now Under your wings Cover me within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar I will soar with you above the storm Father you are king over the flood I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul In Christ alone Know his power In quietness and trust
Wife to a great God fearing man and Mom to two scrumptious children...um teens. I love to laugh and I love the Freedom I have in Christ. He is my every breath. Music runs in my veins and I am a closet writer. By profession I am a RN but there are oh so many things I want to accomplish before I run into His arms.
Summed up...Family, Coffee, girlfriends,loud music, movies and did I mention LAUGHTER!