Things got messy for me when I first started paying attention to and pursuing the desires of my heart. I started listening to the fact that I wanted to be an artist, and I started taking those desires seriously. I had the audacity to consider that those desires planted on my heart took precedence over guilt-driven actions of serving at a soup kitchen, going to church, or reading my Bible and that years of ignoring those desires actually drove me further away from God and into a life of empty service.
And then something else messy started happening. I started believing I was really hearing from God and that He was telling me something different and unique. I started to get confused with what to do with the preaching at church because the preaching at church wasn’t nearly as unique and hand-crafted for me. I started to feel guilty that I would rather be hearing from God on my own then hearing from Him through the words of a sermon series at church. I started looking around at the people filling the church building and wondering if they were feeling as empty as me. If they were sitting there because they were lumped in under the title of Christian and that meant their butt had to be in a seat. I started feeling like God was calling me to Himself instead of calling me to protect and reverence a label, and it felt naughty and scandalous and oh so relieving.
I’m tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means I have to be issued my marching orders from “higher-ups” who do not know me or know my heart.
I’m tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means I have to preface any and all of my actions with an explanation. I am drinking, but I am not getting drunk. I am cussing, but I am doing it in a whisper and I’m only quoting something I heard from someone else. I am not going to church but I’m not alienating myself from the body of Christ. I am writing in the mornings, but it doesn’t mean I’m not getting my prayer time and Bible time in with God at some other point in my day. I’m so tired of explanations, many of which I don’t even believe in.
I’m tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means I have to apologize for being me.
I’m tired of being a Christian if being a Christian means I have to tie everything up in a nice neat little bow.